Positively Scarred

Earlier this year I spent three weeks in the hospital due to an injury I obtained at the end of April. In the time I spent in that hospital room I mostly watched TV, did sudoku puzzles (my fave!), crossword puzzles, received shots of heparin to my stomach, pushed the black button that gave me a dose of Dilaudid, and thought. I thought a lot, actually. About my accident, my injury, how my life was and is forever changed, about how I got a second chance. Most of the time, I fell asleep with the tv on. But one day when I was without visitors, I browsed some music on my smart phone.

It was a sunny day and I had been facing the window. I’d taken photos of my view. I’d like to think that that’s why I remained so optimistic: the view of a San Francisco neighborhood, surrounded by trees. Dogs played in the park across the street. The song I’d come across was one I’d heard before, and loved because the mixture of voices was perfect.

I listened to the lyrics, as I would for several more times until the present day. It’s comforting to me. The music lulls me to a serene calmness that I can’t quite put into words.

It’s become my lullaby, my definition for life and living, my perfect nap time music.

And it reminds me that my life is a blessing, that this obstacle that’s been placed in front of me is a blessing, that I’m alive… and well.

In the early hours of the morning on April 29th, 2011, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I veered, hit a tree, flipped my car, and proceeded to slide across pavement, dragging my hand along the then-shattered window fragments.

I suffered several broken & fractured bones in my left hand, tore the skin off my palm, and severed the main vein in my hand in half. I was transported two hours away to a hospital that specializes in injuries like mine. After several hours of debriding and having my pinkie amputated, I awoke to begin an incredibly extensive journey that would forever change my life. I awoke to my second chance at life.

Prior to this beginning, I was your typically average 23-year-old female. I worked, hung out with my boyfriend, enjoyed partying, and never thought, “it could happen to me.” But it can. And it does.

On April 29, 2011, I became a drunk driving statistic. I thank the universe everyday that I’m alive and that my biggest injury was to my hand. I’m grateful for the tree I hit, for if I hadn’t, I would have driven off the side of the road, plummeting into the creek below. I’m grateful to the paramedics, EMTs, surgeons, nurses, and police officers who were all involved that fateful night. I’m forever grateful that I’m alive and that I’ve been given the chance to share my story in hopes that it will even prevent one person from making the same mistakes.

You got lucky. Those are three words I’ve heard a lot. But it means something different each time. With those three words I’ve heard resentment, disbelief, hatred, praise, and love. I did not incur any charges against me, including a DUI. Lucky? Maybe. But not the way you think. Instead of that, I get to endure two years of surgeries, pain medication, hospital stays, physical therapy, depression, and frustration. Instead of a DUI, I have a permanent reminder of the mistake I made.

It’s been two months since the accident. I’ve already gone through several surgeries, including a few debridements, a flap surgery, and two skin grafts. I’ve spent a total of 29 days in the hospital; from April 29 - May 19, and June 1 - 8. And I’ve got many more days left to go, off and on, over the next two years. My life has been turned completely upside-down & has been shaken up. I’m managing the best I can. Somehow, I’ve remained positive & have held my head up high. But it does hurt. It does get frustrating. Some days I want to break down & give up, other days I power through, thinking, “I can do this. I got myself to this point, now I need to bring myself back.”

I definitely do not see things the same as I did before. I take everything a little more serious. My hugs last a little longer, my love has grown, and I don’t take anything for granted. Not everyone gets a second chance, and I’m sure as hell not going to waste mine.