Positively Scarred

I’ve been sitting up for hours, waiting for my phone to die. You know, because it’s better to charge your phone when it’s completely dead instead of just plugging it in randomly whenever you feel the need to…

To keep myself entertained I’ve been doing more escape the room games. I’ve found even more and have probably done 15 this past week. It’s a serious addiction and I’m considering seeking help.

I’ve also been listening to the thump-thump-thump of the bass from a neighbor’s stereo. It’s been going for well over three hours. I considered calling the police department, but then I decided that it would be bad karma, when I have nothing to really complain about. I just happen to not particular like these neighbors. The stereo has been shut off/turned down a few times, but it always comes back on.

Another reason I didn’t call is because I remember what it’s like partying until the wee hours of the morning. I say that like it was so long ago… but the truth is, I feel really old when it comes to partying. I do still want nights like those, but I know now that they will be few and far between. I think now I’m more content with having a few drinks and not getting all hammered. I rather enjoy not waking up with a hangover every weekend.

Still though, I’d like to have plans. Even more so, I’d like to have secret plans. Because, you know, a life needs secret plans.

(Also, I feel the need to remind you, reader, whoever you are, to feel free to leave a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in my ask box.)

It’s late, I’m feeling nostalgic, and lost, and sleepy, and like I need more antacid/calcium tablets (aka generic Tums) because this acidic sensation just won’t go away.

Mostly what I’m thinking about is all the friends that have come and gone, those that have stuck around, etc. I realized, within these past couple weeks, I was a recluse to some extent. I only wanted to be out or to do things if it involved The Ex. I probably missed some awesome opportunities to do some shit but I can’t change the past, can I? All I can do is move forward…

I’ve never really been good at making friends. I mean, yeah, I’m awesome as an internet buddy, but making friends in the real world? Not my strongest point. So when I was invited to be a plus one to an event five hours from home, overnight, with two people I haven’t met in person (and only one of which I’ve spoken with at all), and one who I’m not SUPERCLOSE with but consider to be a good friend, I practically tripped over my feet and fell out the window trying to grasp the opportunity and hit the “yes” button. Because what fun is life if I go around denying invitations because it’s outside my comfort zone?

I will probably be in a constant state of “what if they don’t like me?” the entire week before the event, and “omg do they like me?” the weekend of the event… but somehow I think this will be worth it.

I’d like to think of myself as a kitten who was just abandoned by her owners because I’m growing up and they don’t want me now that I’m not a cute baby anymore. I just want a good home. A group of friends, or maybe even just a few friends—it doesn’t have to be a whole group!—that I can call my own and be able to do stuff with and feel accepted.

I’m going to challenge myself… To do different things with different people. To have more fun. To just be a more sociable person.

fleeting late night thoughts…

Why is it what I should want isn’t what I ever want… and what I want ends up being the worst thing for me? And then I realize my mistake, but then think, “Am I feeling this way because it’s real or because I just want to feel wanted?” I’m guessing it’s the latter. But I don’t know for sure.

I guess what I want, more than anything, is just to have someone want me as much as I want them. I’ve tried so hard to achieve a balance in my past relationships… and I’m always the one left standing alone.

I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me.

edit:: this may just push me back to dating females. i’ll pick a batshit crazy one, just like me, so we can be crazy together. our jealousy will drive us both mad, and we’ll kill each other out of passionate rage.

ok not really to the murder part.