Positively Scarred

With New Years Eve celebrations upon us, and this being my 100th post, I’ve decided to end the year by talking about forgiveness. The world itself means “the act or process of forgiving, or being forgiven.” But it’s not just a word, it’s a feeling. When you forgive someone who has wronged you, or are forgiven by someone you have wronged, you feel an overwhelming sense of calmness. It radiates in your soul. At least, for me anyway.

If you ask anyone I associate with off of the Internet, they’ll tell you I’m a big fan of forgiveness. Sometimes it takes me a while to actually come out and apologize, or to accept someone’s apology, but I don’t hold grudges… That’s not my style and definitely not who I am.

So if you’ve been keeping up, either here or on Twitter, then you already know about my car accident that happened earlier this year. (Repeating the details is irrelevant to this post, so if you’re curious you can scroll back through the archives.) I was coerced into leaving that night, I didn’t want to. My then-boyfriend had me convinced everything would be alright, but I shouldn’t have ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach. It seems as though I have trouble actually listening to my body when it tells me something is wrong because I had the same feeling a few months after the accident about my relationship and it turns out those feelings were correct, too. But that is neither here nor there. The point I’m trying to make is that my then-boyfriend is partially to blame, though I was the one who ultimately made the decision to get behind the wheel that night.

I struggled a lot, especially after the break up, to accept the fact that I couldn’t change the circumstances and that I just needed to move forward with my life as normally as I possibly could after all that had happened. I wasn’t willing to forgive him at first, nor was I willing to forgive myself. But then something happened: I woke up on Christmas and I thought about everything, long and hard. I realized that even though the series of events that lead up to this point was, in fact, unfortunate, I am alive. And then I forgave him. And I forgave myself. And that has made all the difference in the world because I finally feel at peace with things I have been dealing with for eight months now.

A subsequent event that happened post-breakup has now gotten me seeking out forgiveness of someone who I have wronged. I’m not ready to talk about all the details and share the truth of what happened, but I’ll say this: The person did not deserve me mistreating him. I was caught at a very awkward, very emotionally confusing time in my life and I took my pain out on him. I was reckless.

An accidental friend request on Facebook lead to him accepting that request and then a text conversation occurred. I hadn’t meant for it to happen this way, but the fact that he was being nice and talking to me like a normal human being instead of someone who broke his heart lead me to ask something I’ve been wanting since I hurt him: I asked for forgiveness. I haven’t received any confirmation at all about if he has, or will ever, forgive me, but I’m content with the sheer fact that I got it off my chest. I beat myself up for over a month and participated in some brutal self-loathing. I’m at peace with how things have turned up, but I’m still waiting on forgiveness that would mean so much to me. Someday maybe I’ll get it… Someday maybe he will understand that the person I was to him isn’t who I really am and that he just caught me at the most unexpected time. He caught me in a bout of recklessness and I shouldn’t have pursued a romantic relationship with him. And for that, I am sorry.

Consequently this caused a rift between myself and new friends I was making. I hope that the new year brings new chances for me to prove I’m a different person than who they met initially, and that they can forgive me for hurting their friend.

Forgiveness is a funny thing… Because you can say “I’m sorry” and although you mean it, the person who you say it to can brush it off nonchalantly, “It’s okay.” But truly forgiving someone doesn’t mean just saying “It’s okay.”  You have to look within yourself and come to terms with the wrongdoings of yourself and others before you ask or accept forgiveness.

Tomorrow begins a new year. I feel like I’m starting over on a clean slate, even though I will be bringing some things from 2011 with me into 2012. I hope that 2012 brings me more hope, kindness, and forgiveness than I could have ever imagined. I hope it brings me more good times with new (and old) friends.

And for you, whoever you are, I hope that the new year brings the same for you, as well. I also hope that maybe you’ll take the time before the clock strikes midnight to forgive someone, or ask for forgiveness. Because, really, what could be better than going into 2012 with your soul being uplifted?

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years, and that you celebrate it with people you love and care about. Be safe, because it’s a crazy world out there, you know.

I’ll see you in 2012.