Positively Scarred

I’ve taken a long time away from writing. Not because I don’t know what to write, but because I just have hard time getting all my thoughts out. I have a million thoughts floating around in my head about what I could write, but when I go to write it, it comes out as… well, a tweet basically.

I’d like to know when it became so hard to write something coherent and detailed. I haven’t run out of things to say. I haven’t been busy. I guess I’m just back to being bored.

But the good thing is, I’m not depressed. At least not like I was before. When I wrote in mid-March, I said I wanted my old self back. And, I think, slowly, she’s coming back. I feel better than I did last month. I feel happier. I think a lot of it has to do with the people I’ve been associating myself with. I’ve found a great group of people spanning across two online communities and I’ve thrown myself into conversations I would have never otherwise had. I’ve surprised myself with some of the things that I’ve come up with, and I find myself becoming emotionally attached to these people.

It’s to the point now that without them, my life would not be the same. I don’t think I would be as happy had I not embraced these strangers and made them my friends. Also in the process, I’m becoming more socially aware of the world around me. Which, at 24 years old, should have happened a while ago. There are still some things that are new, or that I’m learning, but it’s working out well for me and I’m learning a lot about myself in the process.

I’ve also learned to recognize toxicity when I see or feel it. Especially when it comes to my ex. In a conversation pretty recently about it, it was brought to my attention about how often I needed to outwardly validate the relationship and insist everything was okay and that I was happy when I truly wasn’t. (And doing this to someone who hadn’t questioned the relationship or even had reason to doubt it.) To think of who I was then and who I am now, I can tell I’ve matured and I’ve grown. I realize that this was kind of a blessing. That relationship, paired with my accident, showed me the type of person I was becoming and that I didn’t want to be. And it set me back on the right track.

I realize now, almost eight months post-breakup, that I needed that relationship. Even though it makes the Top 5 list of Worst Relationships Ever, I needed it. I needed to learn these lessons about myself. I’m grateful for the relationship, and I will cherish the good memories for a long time.

I think I’m finally to a point where I can say I like myself and I feel good about who I am evolving into.

When I last left you, I was feeling “meh” about my birthday—a day that I’m usually so excited about. Well, it DID end up being really low-key and I seriously couldn’t have enjoyed it any more than I did. I got to sleep ALL day on my actual birthday which is how I wanted to spend it.

My dad is feeling better. He went back to work yesterday and he’s doing a lot better.

Okay… I won’t beat around the bush…

I’m depressed. Severely. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know if this is related to the past year of my life, or to what’s been going on currently. I feel like I’m not in control. I’m stressed and worried about medical bills. It’s taking a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get approved for Medi Cal and disability. I’m probably going to have to apply for bankruptcy.

I try really hard to be strong, and I have been so strong for the past year. Everyone has complimented me on how well I’ve handled everything and how strong and brave I am. But, to tell you the truth, I’ve feel like that I’ve had to be… That that’s my only decision: Either I be brave and strong, or no one is going to respect me. I do not, nor have I wanted, to be catered to and coddled. I feel like more people would have babied me and that’s not what I want. I amnotmy injury. That is notwho I am.

Another part of my depression, I think, relates to matters of the heart. Now, it’s hard enough being in love with someone who rejects you (my ex) but it’s harder being in love with someone who you can’t have. I’ve tried to tell myself that this should just be a casual thing, that I shouldn’t take it seriously, that I need to be content in the here and now instead of possibly future plans. But no matter which way I slice it, the fact that there is someone out of my reach tugs and pulls at my heart.

The fact of it is… There has never been more potential or chemistry between me and another person. And that really scares me. Because what if this is all built up in my head and none of it is real? I’ve always trusted my heart, and more often than not, it’s been right. But even my heart has sugar-coated things, or put them behind a curtain and shielded truth from me.

I think I’m certifiably insane. There are way too many things that run through my head and the amount of emotions I feel could make your head spin. It makes my stomach hurt.

So why don’t I just rid of the things that are driving me nuts? It’s not that easy. I’d be ripping out my own heart. So as crazy as it all makes me… I can’t just let it go.

But let’s back up, because I was depressed even before matters of the heart were of concern. To be perfectly honest, I think Ihavebeen depressed since the accident, but I just didn’t want to admit it. Maybe believing that I was such a strong, brave, and happy person was what got me through the first year. But now, as I approach the year anniversary of the accident, it’s all catching up with me. I never really mourned. I think I convinced myself to snap out of it, because that would be easier than me admitting that this was such a huge deal and that I was upset.

So, the question now, I guess, is where do I go from here? How do I get myself back?

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in previous posts about how close my dad and I are. He’s been my rock and my voice of reason when things weren’t so great with my mom and I. As I get older, I realize more & more what a cool daddy I have and how lucky I am to have such an awesome man in my life.

So naturally when I found out he had to have surgery, I was a little scared. But, I was reassured it would be okay. They were just going to repair a hernia. Pretty routine, right? I suppose normal routines don’t run in my family. After 3 hours, I learned he had an iliac crest aneurysm. The doctor was repairing the hernia; he pulled and all of a sudden, my dad had an aneurysm and started bleeding out. They had to call in a vascular surgeon and he had to repair the vein. My dad ended up needing two units of blood. My step mom told me, “We’re very lucky.” And I couldn’t agree more. The surgeons acted without hesitation and fixed the problem and my dad is now resting in ICU.

But it was that in between time of not knowing… My step mom called me and told me about the aneurysm, which was quickly followed by, “Hold on, I’ll have to call you back.” I wondered why a doctor was coming out to talk to her so soon after he had just been out to see her. I felt like something was wrong, like something happened. Maybe they couldn’t fix the problem. Maybe he had another aneurysm.

I had all these thoughts running through my head, and I was scared. At almost 24 years old, I am nowhere near ready to lose my dad. Who would walk me down the aisle at my wedding? Who would share new music with me? Who would I talk to about our favorite TV shows? Go to concerts with? Travel with?

I know it sounds like I’m over exaggerating, but I really feel like I could have lost my daddy today. And the fact that I didn’t makes me that much more grateful to have him in my life & to have him as my dad.

I’m crying now as I write this. I’m going to see what it’s like from a different perspective. Seeing someone I love connected to tubing and wearing a hospital gown. He’s seen me in the same position so many times already, I’ll finally know what it’s like. I’m scared he’s going to be disappointed if I get upset. I will try to hold back tears and stop myself from crying in front of him. He’s been so strong for me, that I need to be strong for him.

I love you, Daddy. I’ll see you soon.

(Note: I took a long time to get to this day in the 30 Day Challenge because I want these posts to be well thought out and meaningful. I know all the words to a lot of songs so it was hard to choose just one. At any rate, here we go…)

I wish someone would have taught me that love hurts. That it’s an internal pain that only time heals when it’s lost. That it is not sunshine and rainbows and flowers and kisses. It is hard work, and times get tough, especially when you (or your partner) are not mentally or emotionally ready to be in a relationship. I wish someone would have told me that. I wish there was an indicator. Something to say, “This person says they’re ready, but they’re not really.”

I wish someone would have told me that before I invested time, energy, and emotion into someone who failed me. Someone who ended up not being the picturesque person I thought he was. Someone who shattered the lifestyle I wanted. I wish I could say he felt remorse, that he begged at my feet, that he called and text messaged me incessantly asking for forgiveness, but the truth is… it just ended. Abruptly. And we went our separate ways, like the other never existed.

The hardest part of letting him go was knowing I should have left him a lot sooner than I did. I ignored my gut feelings, again, when I should have been listening to them.

I have a more realistic outlook on love now.

Love is not a fairytale. There is no knight in shining armor. There is no white horse.

You know when you meet someone and you have that instant connection with them? It feels like a spark; like someone lit a fire right under your feet. You feel electricity coursing through your veins. Your heart beats quicker. You just know. It’s like the Earth shifts and suddenly things are crystal clear.

That, to me, is how I feel when I meet someone who is my soulmate.

Now, a lot of people think that you can only have one soulmate. But after reading various definitions and having my own personal experience with Earth shifting meetings with different people over the years, I believe you can have more than one soulmate. (But only one true love. But that’s another story.)

I’ve used this term before, and some people can get a little freaked/weirded out by it. Then I’m forced to explain what I mean… It gets irritating that they just can’t accept it without thinking it means I’m in love with them.

When I find a soulmate, I know instantly that that is who they are and forever will be to me regardless of distance, time, communication, etc. If I do happen to lose touch with such a person, despite what the reason is, they come back. Soulmates always find their way back to each other. It’s already been proven for me.

I am not in love with my soulmates; that is not their purpose in my life. They are complements of myself, we mesh well, we are similar in our views of the universe, and they make me want to be a better person. I feel a heaviness in my heart that’s different from love (or the loss of love); I feel a calmness. The bond I share with my soulmates can move mountains, it can stop wars, it can end hunger… The connection I share with them fills me up and brings me warmth. (You know, like the “warm and fuzzy” feeling…)

Generally, I am happier when I am near to them or communicating with them in some form. I swear sometimes we communicate on a psychological plane. I can look at them and just know how they are feeling or what they are thinking. (Intuitive sight, I haz it. It’s something I naturally possess. I can generally pick up on someone’s feelings and can “read” people to a certain extent, but with my soulmates it’s something I feel one hundred times stronger.) My soulmates add to my life and inspire me. Truth be told, I think they feel it, too, even if they don’t believe in soulmates or don’t express the same sentiment. You just can’t deny such an overwhelming feeling.

Soulmates, I believe, aren’t for marrying. I’m not worried about meeting a guy who makes my world spin or who I have a strong emotional/mental/spiritual bond with like I do with my soulmates. (Again, this is where One True Love comes in…) Yes, the guy I marry will complement my life and personality, and he may share a lot of the qualities that I find/see in my soulmates, but I will not use that word for him.

Soulmates are, in my eyes, people you will love and share your life with but know that they are not an average, everyday friend… They are an extraordinary individual. I don’t talk to my soulmates everyday, but I know they are there. They are with me as I drink my morning coffee, as I perform the tedious task of doing laundry, as I sip on cabernet sauvignon with friends… as if they were right there by my side. They are my forevers, my muses, the beat in my heart, the smile on my face…

And they are all beautiful.