Positively Scarred

I’ve written a lot here about my physical scars, and I’ve touched on the emotional ones. I feel the need to go into the emotional part a bit more considering the kind of day I’ve been having and the events over the past 24 hours or so.

This is my safe space. This blog is my home. These are all true facts about my life, my real feelings, my real life lessons. Nothing anyone can say can take that from me. I know myself, I know the facts about my life, I know when I’ve done wrong or have been wronged. I’ve grown to realize when I have to say “enough is enough” and put my foot down and just stop. I’ve learned to recognize negative and toxic people (to a certain extent).

So I’m going to bare my soul and really open up for a moment and let my readers (however many or few of you there are, I really don’t know) in on the things that have transpired and caused a great eruption within myself.

I already stated in my last post that I’m guilty of trolling. Nothing major or life threatening; sometimes I just get a kick out of getting a reaction out of people, however negative it may be. And it’s usually over something very menial or trivial. My intention is not for the person(s) on the other end to feel threatened or attacked. I desperately try not to bring religion, race, gender, orientation, age, or anything that could potentially make the other person(s) feel defensive, angry, upset, sad, etc. That is not my M.O.; that is not how I operate.

So I made a comment yesterday about something really trivial about something I’d seen because I was lurking where I shouldn’t have been and it ended up turning into a long string of tweets that had negative overtones. I was vague tweeting (tweeting without addressing who the tweet was to). I decided to drop it, but then after, again, lurking where I shouldn’t have been, I saw it had evolved into something else. It evolved into a bigger issue that I forced myself to deal with because it had presented itself to me. So I continued the negative behavior. And then it just stopped. I dropped it. I was done. I felt like I was still in a safe place and that I was in control of things on my end.

And then today I lurked AGAIN, and I got my feelings hurt. Not only was I called out for being something I’m not (a slut-shamer) but my accident was dragged into it. It was actually dragged into it yesterday, but I didn’t realize until today… I did NOT say anything that was slanderous, or anything about the person’s past or their lifestyle choices. But myself, and one of my best friends, were basically shamed. Shamed for being who we are.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even be writing this if it weren’t for the fact that my accident was brought up. That, I feel, in itself, is a low blow. I was okay with being called a slut-shamer, because I’m not and I know I’m not. I was okay with being called a bitch, because yeah, sometimes I really can be and you’re entitled to your opinions about me. But never once did I say “bitch.” Never once did I call anyone a slut-shamer, or a hater, or any other words. In fact, my tweets were so vague they could have been about anyone. I didn’t say a hateful word and I got the brunt of it. Which, again, would have been cool had it just stopped at things like “bitch” or “slut-shamer” and “hater.”

But it didn’t. I basically got told I ruined my life. (Yet, I’m at a point where I’m happier and at peace with myself than I have ever been before.) I think if this was two years ago, I would have not held back and I would have reacted to this differently. I would have said some pretty mean and nasty things. I feel that this statement is also true for other negative situations I have encountered lately. But instead I felt like I was taking the right road by keeping myself centered and by not flying off the handle and using my words to really hurt someone. That is not my intention now with my words: I do not mean to hurt or harm.

So, there it is… Someone from the Internet got to me.

And to that person:
I realize you are angry with me, and a few others. I understand that anger. I hope someday you realize that we did not turn our backs on you (intentionally) and that it was all a giant misunderstanding. My intention was to never turn against you, it was to help you (and everyone else) understand my perspective.
I don’t understand why it means so much for you to “win” because I am just a person on the Internet. You will never have to meet me or see me in person. You are not being forced to read/hear my opinions. There’s is a highly probable, damn near 100%, chance that our paths will never cross in the “real world.”
If it helps you sleep at night to say that I’m a horrible person, then I hope you rest easy. As for me, I’m going to drop this here and now and not speak another word of it. I’m going to let it go. The last thing I’m going to say is this: I forgive you.

I’ll be the first to admit that most of my friendships begin on the Internet. I do have friends in the ‘real world’ but I hold my internet friendships in high regards. Very rarely do these Internet friendships manifest themselves in person, but when they do, I cherish them because this person knows me on a different level than my ‘real world’ friends. So when Internet meets ‘real world,’ it excites me.

I’ve had the chance to meet people from the Internet in person and although at one point in time it was a scary thing, it’s perfectly natural these days, or so I’d like to believe.

I can’t tell you who I first met from the Internet. It may have been a boy who lived 45 minutes away and happened to be in Merced. He’d randomly found me on MySpace. I was 17 or 18 then. We don’t talk anymore.

Or it could have been any random local who added me on MySpace. Or it could have been one of three people from IRC who I had the chance to meet in person. I’m just simply not sure. But, I digress…

I’ve made long-lasting friendships. Most recently there have been two people from Twitter who I have met in person. I like them. They get me on a different level than most people. One is Snake, who I happened to be able to meet randomly in person last New Years Eve. (New Years Day, really, because it was already after midnight.)  It turns out her brother was friends with people in the same group of people I was, at the time, a part of. It was a very random, serendipitous meeting. I like to think that it was fate. We followed each other and would reply to each other on Twitter but I never thought that this would be someone who would come to mean so much to me. We often tweet or text each other, and sometimes you can find us on Twitter having full conversations in just Internet memes and GIFs.

We’re two peas in a pod, albeit different, damn near opposite peas, but we mesh well together and it’s hard to believe that we’ve only known each other just about a year because it just feels like so much longer. I enjoy her company, be it in person or through text. And her support throughout my life-changing journey and subsequent quarter life crisis has been amazing. I still have yet to thank her for the time she came to my hospital room at some ungodly hour in the morning. She let me sleep, and when I awoke she showered me with goodies and a [melted] green tea frap.

The other Twitter friendship that has manifested itself in real life is that with Saladbits. Snake and I both met her in the ‘real world’ together when the three of us met for a sushi date. Shortly after that, we met again for another sushi date, this time incorporating Snake’s brother who Saladbits developed a very cute fangirl crush on. After that, we didn’t hang out, but numbers were exchanged (or maybe that was before our meetup?) and then Halloween and I hung out with her and her two Gay BFFs. Then a couple weeks ago we had a slumber party that consisted of a lot of rambling, awesome conversation, a lot of beer and cigarettes, and music. This weekend we’re having another slumber party that will consist of movies, Jameson, cigarettes, and a lot more rambling conversations and music. I’ve really grown comfortable around her and we’ve talked about a lot of things: our dating history, music, life in general… We’ve got a good connection and I hope that she feels the same.

Another awesome Internet-to-reality friendship is with Nisha. We met over 7 years ago on IRC. She lived in Finland at the time, and it seemed like I would never get to meet her, but then she moved to the United States and on a vacation she popped into my little town and we finally got to meet. And there were no awkward moments and it was just like we’d known each other in person for years. I love her and appreciate her being in my life. She’s just as adorable and amazing in person as she is on the Internet. We WILL meet again in person and I have no doubt that it will be just as fun, amazing, and lovely as the first time.

I don’t want these Internet-to-reality friendships to take away from the people who I have yet to meet.

I met Mazzy on Tumblr during my first go-around (this is my third Tumblr account I’ve had in roughly 2 years). She has been such an amazing friend to me and I have no doubt that we will meet in person when our schedules and wallets allow it. She has become a staple in my life, a soulmate. Her wisdom, wit, humor, and simply being a gorgeous person, inside and out, draw me to her. We have video chatted (once) and texted and Facebooked and Tumblr’d and AIM’d and I believe we’ve built a friendship that will stand the test of time and technology.

There are also other awesome people out there, but there’s simply not enough words to explain what everyone means to me. I have developed lasting relationships thanks to the Internet and I’m forever grateful for the people that have come into my life because of it.

This blog became more of my personal story than I intended. I intended to write about what happens when these sort of relationships occur and how the transition to real life is sometimes very smooth and worthwhile, and how other times it’s not so much. But instead, I’ll leave it as it is.

If I didn’t mention you, don’t fret. You are all important to me, whoever you are. And if we ever meet in person I will greet you the same way I would greet an old friend: with a hug and a smile. My Internet relationships are very important to me because although I may retain some anonymity, I will share my innermost thoughts with you because regardless of our distance, you’re not just text on a computer screen. You’re a human being and you are real.