Positively Scarred

With New Years Eve celebrations upon us, and this being my 100th post, I’ve decided to end the year by talking about forgiveness. The world itself means “the act or process of forgiving, or being forgiven.” But it’s not just a word, it’s a feeling. When you forgive someone who has wronged you, or are forgiven by someone you have wronged, you feel an overwhelming sense of calmness. It radiates in your soul. At least, for me anyway.

If you ask anyone I associate with off of the Internet, they’ll tell you I’m a big fan of forgiveness. Sometimes it takes me a while to actually come out and apologize, or to accept someone’s apology, but I don’t hold grudges… That’s not my style and definitely not who I am.

So if you’ve been keeping up, either here or on Twitter, then you already know about my car accident that happened earlier this year. (Repeating the details is irrelevant to this post, so if you’re curious you can scroll back through the archives.) I was coerced into leaving that night, I didn’t want to. My then-boyfriend had me convinced everything would be alright, but I shouldn’t have ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach. It seems as though I have trouble actually listening to my body when it tells me something is wrong because I had the same feeling a few months after the accident about my relationship and it turns out those feelings were correct, too. But that is neither here nor there. The point I’m trying to make is that my then-boyfriend is partially to blame, though I was the one who ultimately made the decision to get behind the wheel that night.

I struggled a lot, especially after the break up, to accept the fact that I couldn’t change the circumstances and that I just needed to move forward with my life as normally as I possibly could after all that had happened. I wasn’t willing to forgive him at first, nor was I willing to forgive myself. But then something happened: I woke up on Christmas and I thought about everything, long and hard. I realized that even though the series of events that lead up to this point was, in fact, unfortunate, I am alive. And then I forgave him. And I forgave myself. And that has made all the difference in the world because I finally feel at peace with things I have been dealing with for eight months now.

A subsequent event that happened post-breakup has now gotten me seeking out forgiveness of someone who I have wronged. I’m not ready to talk about all the details and share the truth of what happened, but I’ll say this: The person did not deserve me mistreating him. I was caught at a very awkward, very emotionally confusing time in my life and I took my pain out on him. I was reckless.

An accidental friend request on Facebook lead to him accepting that request and then a text conversation occurred. I hadn’t meant for it to happen this way, but the fact that he was being nice and talking to me like a normal human being instead of someone who broke his heart lead me to ask something I’ve been wanting since I hurt him: I asked for forgiveness. I haven’t received any confirmation at all about if he has, or will ever, forgive me, but I’m content with the sheer fact that I got it off my chest. I beat myself up for over a month and participated in some brutal self-loathing. I’m at peace with how things have turned up, but I’m still waiting on forgiveness that would mean so much to me. Someday maybe I’ll get it… Someday maybe he will understand that the person I was to him isn’t who I really am and that he just caught me at the most unexpected time. He caught me in a bout of recklessness and I shouldn’t have pursued a romantic relationship with him. And for that, I am sorry.

Consequently this caused a rift between myself and new friends I was making. I hope that the new year brings new chances for me to prove I’m a different person than who they met initially, and that they can forgive me for hurting their friend.

Forgiveness is a funny thing… Because you can say “I’m sorry” and although you mean it, the person who you say it to can brush it off nonchalantly, “It’s okay.” But truly forgiving someone doesn’t mean just saying “It’s okay.”  You have to look within yourself and come to terms with the wrongdoings of yourself and others before you ask or accept forgiveness.

Tomorrow begins a new year. I feel like I’m starting over on a clean slate, even though I will be bringing some things from 2011 with me into 2012. I hope that 2012 brings me more hope, kindness, and forgiveness than I could have ever imagined. I hope it brings me more good times with new (and old) friends.

And for you, whoever you are, I hope that the new year brings the same for you, as well. I also hope that maybe you’ll take the time before the clock strikes midnight to forgive someone, or ask for forgiveness. Because, really, what could be better than going into 2012 with your soul being uplifted?

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years, and that you celebrate it with people you love and care about. Be safe, because it’s a crazy world out there, you know.

I’ll see you in 2012.

I’ll be the first to admit that most of my friendships begin on the Internet. I do have friends in the ‘real world’ but I hold my internet friendships in high regards. Very rarely do these Internet friendships manifest themselves in person, but when they do, I cherish them because this person knows me on a different level than my ‘real world’ friends. So when Internet meets ‘real world,’ it excites me.

I’ve had the chance to meet people from the Internet in person and although at one point in time it was a scary thing, it’s perfectly natural these days, or so I’d like to believe.

I can’t tell you who I first met from the Internet. It may have been a boy who lived 45 minutes away and happened to be in Merced. He’d randomly found me on MySpace. I was 17 or 18 then. We don’t talk anymore.

Or it could have been any random local who added me on MySpace. Or it could have been one of three people from IRC who I had the chance to meet in person. I’m just simply not sure. But, I digress…

I’ve made long-lasting friendships. Most recently there have been two people from Twitter who I have met in person. I like them. They get me on a different level than most people. One is Snake, who I happened to be able to meet randomly in person last New Years Eve. (New Years Day, really, because it was already after midnight.)  It turns out her brother was friends with people in the same group of people I was, at the time, a part of. It was a very random, serendipitous meeting. I like to think that it was fate. We followed each other and would reply to each other on Twitter but I never thought that this would be someone who would come to mean so much to me. We often tweet or text each other, and sometimes you can find us on Twitter having full conversations in just Internet memes and GIFs.

We’re two peas in a pod, albeit different, damn near opposite peas, but we mesh well together and it’s hard to believe that we’ve only known each other just about a year because it just feels like so much longer. I enjoy her company, be it in person or through text. And her support throughout my life-changing journey and subsequent quarter life crisis has been amazing. I still have yet to thank her for the time she came to my hospital room at some ungodly hour in the morning. She let me sleep, and when I awoke she showered me with goodies and a [melted] green tea frap.

The other Twitter friendship that has manifested itself in real life is that with Saladbits. Snake and I both met her in the ‘real world’ together when the three of us met for a sushi date. Shortly after that, we met again for another sushi date, this time incorporating Snake’s brother who Saladbits developed a very cute fangirl crush on. After that, we didn’t hang out, but numbers were exchanged (or maybe that was before our meetup?) and then Halloween and I hung out with her and her two Gay BFFs. Then a couple weeks ago we had a slumber party that consisted of a lot of rambling, awesome conversation, a lot of beer and cigarettes, and music. This weekend we’re having another slumber party that will consist of movies, Jameson, cigarettes, and a lot more rambling conversations and music. I’ve really grown comfortable around her and we’ve talked about a lot of things: our dating history, music, life in general… We’ve got a good connection and I hope that she feels the same.

Another awesome Internet-to-reality friendship is with Nisha. We met over 7 years ago on IRC. She lived in Finland at the time, and it seemed like I would never get to meet her, but then she moved to the United States and on a vacation she popped into my little town and we finally got to meet. And there were no awkward moments and it was just like we’d known each other in person for years. I love her and appreciate her being in my life. She’s just as adorable and amazing in person as she is on the Internet. We WILL meet again in person and I have no doubt that it will be just as fun, amazing, and lovely as the first time.

I don’t want these Internet-to-reality friendships to take away from the people who I have yet to meet.

I met Mazzy on Tumblr during my first go-around (this is my third Tumblr account I’ve had in roughly 2 years). She has been such an amazing friend to me and I have no doubt that we will meet in person when our schedules and wallets allow it. She has become a staple in my life, a soulmate. Her wisdom, wit, humor, and simply being a gorgeous person, inside and out, draw me to her. We have video chatted (once) and texted and Facebooked and Tumblr’d and AIM’d and I believe we’ve built a friendship that will stand the test of time and technology.

There are also other awesome people out there, but there’s simply not enough words to explain what everyone means to me. I have developed lasting relationships thanks to the Internet and I’m forever grateful for the people that have come into my life because of it.

This blog became more of my personal story than I intended. I intended to write about what happens when these sort of relationships occur and how the transition to real life is sometimes very smooth and worthwhile, and how other times it’s not so much. But instead, I’ll leave it as it is.

If I didn’t mention you, don’t fret. You are all important to me, whoever you are. And if we ever meet in person I will greet you the same way I would greet an old friend: with a hug and a smile. My Internet relationships are very important to me because although I may retain some anonymity, I will share my innermost thoughts with you because regardless of our distance, you’re not just text on a computer screen. You’re a human being and you are real.

Not too much on the agenda for Friday, aside from a coffee date in the morning.

Saturday promises to be fun. My sister’s boyfriend is going to make us (My sister, himself, my mom, step dad, and myself) some homemade egg and sausage sandwiches + hash browns. Then we’re going to head out to Blazefest in Fresno and watch some pretty cool bands.

Afterward, I will depart from my party and go out and really party with Snake, Princess, and Prince Charming. I’m especially looking forward to this because I get to meet Princess and PC in person before our Epicenter Festival trip next weekend. Also, I’m happy to be involved and doing something with new people.

I’m excited.

It’s late, I’m feeling nostalgic, and lost, and sleepy, and like I need more antacid/calcium tablets (aka generic Tums) because this acidic sensation just won’t go away.

Mostly what I’m thinking about is all the friends that have come and gone, those that have stuck around, etc. I realized, within these past couple weeks, I was a recluse to some extent. I only wanted to be out or to do things if it involved The Ex. I probably missed some awesome opportunities to do some shit but I can’t change the past, can I? All I can do is move forward…

I’ve never really been good at making friends. I mean, yeah, I’m awesome as an internet buddy, but making friends in the real world? Not my strongest point. So when I was invited to be a plus one to an event five hours from home, overnight, with two people I haven’t met in person (and only one of which I’ve spoken with at all), and one who I’m not SUPERCLOSE with but consider to be a good friend, I practically tripped over my feet and fell out the window trying to grasp the opportunity and hit the “yes” button. Because what fun is life if I go around denying invitations because it’s outside my comfort zone?

I will probably be in a constant state of “what if they don’t like me?” the entire week before the event, and “omg do they like me?” the weekend of the event… but somehow I think this will be worth it.

I’d like to think of myself as a kitten who was just abandoned by her owners because I’m growing up and they don’t want me now that I’m not a cute baby anymore. I just want a good home. A group of friends, or maybe even just a few friends—it doesn’t have to be a whole group!—that I can call my own and be able to do stuff with and feel accepted.

I’m going to challenge myself… To do different things with different people. To have more fun. To just be a more sociable person.