Positively Scarred

Let me just break it down from you, right here, at the beginning:

I had my first serious relationship at 17 years old (2005). We dated our senior year, and ended the relationship shortly after graduation. Later that summer, I began dating someone else. That relationship lasted a year. So now we’re at summer 2007. December I began to see someone, that turned out to be a mistake. We broke up March 2008. April 2008 I began to see someone else. That lasted until June when I began to see the LDR guy while simultaneously dating my Asian Geek, until it was decided, that fall, that I was going to be exclusive with LDR. My relationship with LDR lasted for a year, until we broke up in the summer of 2009. I floated. I was haphazard and wild and that was the Summer of Bad Choices. I casually dated, but most of the “dating” consisted of hanging out at someone’s house, drinking case after case of beer.  February 2010 I started dating The Ex and that, as you know, lasted until very recently.

After reading two different perspectives on being single, I decided, “What the fuck do I know about being single?” So, for the first time in six years, I’m saying “fuck relationships” and I’m going to play the single card for a while. A long while. Like, decades. Okay, maybe not that long. I’ve been told by different sources that, in basically the same words said a different way, I should be confident in knowing that I’m a good-looking, smart gal and that the right guy will come along and whisk me off my feet and we will ride off into the sunset in his trusty Mustang with a convertible top… (I made that last part up. No one ever said shit about a mustang.)

As a girl who has been perpetually attached over the past six years, it’s time I work on me. Give myself some time. Heed my own advice. I need to let myself flourish as a [single] person. I need to know I can be happy without a boy in my life. But, that doesn’t mean I still won’t let a boy take me out to the movies or for coffee or whatever. But I will do so with the intention of learning. Learning about myself, about the other person, about what qualities I’m seeking out in a potential husband, about what to do or not do in certain situations… More importantly, I need to JUST. BE. SINGLE. And confident. And not give up hope that someday I WILL get married and produce carbon copies of myself (and future husband). 

I know I probably won’t marry the next guy I date. I know I probably will go through moments where I’m frustrated because I just want to be with someone so bad that I obsess over it.

Frankly, I can’t find it in me to give a fuck about another person’s well-being after doing it for so long. I’m not saying that I don’t care about other people, because I do, but it’s different when you’re in a relationship and honestly I just don’t have any patience right now to put up with anyone else’s bullshit. I have enough bullshit to put up with from myself.

So I will content in being a Single Lady and when I am married with children I will look back on this time as The Time of Growth and I will smile because I experienced being single before committing to someone “til death do us part.”