Positively Scarred

I’ve written a lot here about my physical scars, and I’ve touched on the emotional ones. I feel the need to go into the emotional part a bit more considering the kind of day I’ve been having and the events over the past 24 hours or so.

This is my safe space. This blog is my home. These are all true facts about my life, my real feelings, my real life lessons. Nothing anyone can say can take that from me. I know myself, I know the facts about my life, I know when I’ve done wrong or have been wronged. I’ve grown to realize when I have to say “enough is enough” and put my foot down and just stop. I’ve learned to recognize negative and toxic people (to a certain extent).

So I’m going to bare my soul and really open up for a moment and let my readers (however many or few of you there are, I really don’t know) in on the things that have transpired and caused a great eruption within myself.

I already stated in my last post that I’m guilty of trolling. Nothing major or life threatening; sometimes I just get a kick out of getting a reaction out of people, however negative it may be. And it’s usually over something very menial or trivial. My intention is not for the person(s) on the other end to feel threatened or attacked. I desperately try not to bring religion, race, gender, orientation, age, or anything that could potentially make the other person(s) feel defensive, angry, upset, sad, etc. That is not my M.O.; that is not how I operate.

So I made a comment yesterday about something really trivial about something I’d seen because I was lurking where I shouldn’t have been and it ended up turning into a long string of tweets that had negative overtones. I was vague tweeting (tweeting without addressing who the tweet was to). I decided to drop it, but then after, again, lurking where I shouldn’t have been, I saw it had evolved into something else. It evolved into a bigger issue that I forced myself to deal with because it had presented itself to me. So I continued the negative behavior. And then it just stopped. I dropped it. I was done. I felt like I was still in a safe place and that I was in control of things on my end.

And then today I lurked AGAIN, and I got my feelings hurt. Not only was I called out for being something I’m not (a slut-shamer) but my accident was dragged into it. It was actually dragged into it yesterday, but I didn’t realize until today… I did NOT say anything that was slanderous, or anything about the person’s past or their lifestyle choices. But myself, and one of my best friends, were basically shamed. Shamed for being who we are.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even be writing this if it weren’t for the fact that my accident was brought up. That, I feel, in itself, is a low blow. I was okay with being called a slut-shamer, because I’m not and I know I’m not. I was okay with being called a bitch, because yeah, sometimes I really can be and you’re entitled to your opinions about me. But never once did I say “bitch.” Never once did I call anyone a slut-shamer, or a hater, or any other words. In fact, my tweets were so vague they could have been about anyone. I didn’t say a hateful word and I got the brunt of it. Which, again, would have been cool had it just stopped at things like “bitch” or “slut-shamer” and “hater.”

But it didn’t. I basically got told I ruined my life. (Yet, I’m at a point where I’m happier and at peace with myself than I have ever been before.) I think if this was two years ago, I would have not held back and I would have reacted to this differently. I would have said some pretty mean and nasty things. I feel that this statement is also true for other negative situations I have encountered lately. But instead I felt like I was taking the right road by keeping myself centered and by not flying off the handle and using my words to really hurt someone. That is not my intention now with my words: I do not mean to hurt or harm.

So, there it is… Someone from the Internet got to me.

And to that person:
I realize you are angry with me, and a few others. I understand that anger. I hope someday you realize that we did not turn our backs on you (intentionally) and that it was all a giant misunderstanding. My intention was to never turn against you, it was to help you (and everyone else) understand my perspective.
I don’t understand why it means so much for you to “win” because I am just a person on the Internet. You will never have to meet me or see me in person. You are not being forced to read/hear my opinions. There’s is a highly probable, damn near 100%, chance that our paths will never cross in the “real world.”
If it helps you sleep at night to say that I’m a horrible person, then I hope you rest easy. As for me, I’m going to drop this here and now and not speak another word of it. I’m going to let it go. The last thing I’m going to say is this: I forgive you.

One of the major things I have learned, and changed, over the past year of my life is how I deal with relationships (of all kinds). I’m the type of person who wants to be well liked and who tries to see the best in everyone. If we meet, if we have any communication at all, I want to be your friend. And if you have mental or emotional issues or exhibit any negative behavior, I want to help you overcome that. I want to help you break free of stereotypes and help you see the world in a different, more positive light.

I’ve learned that I can’t always succeed in this. I’ve learned that trying to see other people’s views, and offering suggestions or relating to it in your own words, or just talking about any given subject, can end up with someone eventually feeling negatively towards you. I don’t want to change anyone, so I hope no one thinks that’s what I’m saying. What I want to do is to help you see things in a different light. Keep your views and beliefs! What I want is for everyone to see that there are different sides to eery situation, and that just because they’re different doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wrong. What I want is equal respect all around.

I have friends who think differently, who have different political and religious views, who see the world in a different way… And they’re my friends because despite the fact that we don’t agree, they respect me for having such opinions.

Recently, I was called a bully. I was called a bully because I was trying to see someone’s perspective and it just got way out of hand. What made it worse is that it was a group discussion and I wasn’t the only one who was accused of bullying. It made me feel like an elitist snob. It hurt my heart. It got to a point where I could do nothing other than say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Prior to that, there was what I can only refer to as a giant misunderstanding. I have a hard time getting things across in text and even though there are people who can get what I mean without so much insight and details, I forget that sometimes I need to add in those extra details to make myself clear. It caused me to seriously question all my social interactions.

Am I a bad person? Do I communicate poorly? Am I harsh in my opinions? Am I overbearing?

I won’t say that I’m not guilty of saying things just for the sake of getting reactions (aka “trolling”). I won’t say that there aren’t people in this world that irritate the fuck out of me. And I won’t say that I end up being close friends with everyone I meet.

What I will say is that I know when to pick my battles. And I know how to recognize when relationships are toxic. I really try to not make anyone feel like I’m cornering them, or attacking them. I try hard to be clear that I don’t mean any harm or ill-will.

Sometimes all you can do is just be the best person you can be and hope that your intentions come across positively.

I appreciate my body, thoroughly. It’s been through so much in the past year… I’ve grown to love and accept my body, flaws and all.

Note: Slightly risque photos ahead. Proceed with caution.

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A couple weeks ago my mom asked me to stay home “not next weekend, but the weekend after.” That weekend was this weekend. At first I was confused as to why, but after about a minute I realized why she wanted me to stay home.

It’s been one year since my accident. I won’t lie and say I’m happy because I actually woke up today feeling quite sad. I’ve thought about how different things could have been… How a couple of feet was the difference between hitting a tree, and plummeting fifteen feet (or more) into the creek below. I’ve thought about how different it would have been had I chose not to drink, or had I remembered that there was someone sober who could have taken me home. But I realized how thinking about those things isn’t pertinent to my situation now. 

What’s relevant now is how I’ve chosen to live my life and handle everything. At first, I cried. I cried a LOT. I became depressed and everyone around me suffered. In my relationship, I became obsessed and paranoid and the end result was a break up. My broken heart resulted in a deeper depression, a heaping serving of guilt, and was a major factor in my decisions in the months following, which caused me to hurt someone’s feelings. (And I’m still deeply sorry…)

I realize my mistakes and my faults. I own them. They are a part of me. But regardless of the fact that I’ve made mistakes, I’ve grown from them. I feel like such a different person now than I was a year ago. Through this past year, I’ve learned how much strength I have, how much the human body can actually take. I’ve learned how to be a better human.

I have a lot of road left to travel. The accident was both a blessing and a curse, but I learned from the curse.

Expect a post about it.

I’ve taken a long time away from writing. Not because I don’t know what to write, but because I just have hard time getting all my thoughts out. I have a million thoughts floating around in my head about what I could write, but when I go to write it, it comes out as… well, a tweet basically.

I’d like to know when it became so hard to write something coherent and detailed. I haven’t run out of things to say. I haven’t been busy. I guess I’m just back to being bored.

But the good thing is, I’m not depressed. At least not like I was before. When I wrote in mid-March, I said I wanted my old self back. And, I think, slowly, she’s coming back. I feel better than I did last month. I feel happier. I think a lot of it has to do with the people I’ve been associating myself with. I’ve found a great group of people spanning across two online communities and I’ve thrown myself into conversations I would have never otherwise had. I’ve surprised myself with some of the things that I’ve come up with, and I find myself becoming emotionally attached to these people.

It’s to the point now that without them, my life would not be the same. I don’t think I would be as happy had I not embraced these strangers and made them my friends. Also in the process, I’m becoming more socially aware of the world around me. Which, at 24 years old, should have happened a while ago. There are still some things that are new, or that I’m learning, but it’s working out well for me and I’m learning a lot about myself in the process.

I’ve also learned to recognize toxicity when I see or feel it. Especially when it comes to my ex. In a conversation pretty recently about it, it was brought to my attention about how often I needed to outwardly validate the relationship and insist everything was okay and that I was happy when I truly wasn’t. (And doing this to someone who hadn’t questioned the relationship or even had reason to doubt it.) To think of who I was then and who I am now, I can tell I’ve matured and I’ve grown. I realize that this was kind of a blessing. That relationship, paired with my accident, showed me the type of person I was becoming and that I didn’t want to be. And it set me back on the right track.

I realize now, almost eight months post-breakup, that I needed that relationship. Even though it makes the Top 5 list of Worst Relationships Ever, I needed it. I needed to learn these lessons about myself. I’m grateful for the relationship, and I will cherish the good memories for a long time.

I think I’m finally to a point where I can say I like myself and I feel good about who I am evolving into.

That’s just going to be used for reblogging cool shit and posting things that are too long to go on Twitter. I’m going to keep this one for all the long-winded things I have to say.

So if you’d like to follow that one, please go to: TheKittehK.tumblr.com

or just click here.